Be Nice to Your Printer

So yesterday I was texting my friend, his name is Danny, and we were talking. Talking about raptors, and not just raptors but raptoring up some toast. And not like cutting the toast so it looked like a raptor, but eating the toast LIKE a raptor! Kinda like, NOMNOM NOM GNARSH NOM!

Anyways he didn’t understand and I don’t understand how you cant understand what eating toast like a raptor was. So I took his incompetence as a sign, a sign that he didn’t understand how it was funny.

It was funny because raptors don’t eat toast, raptors are meat-eaters, what I said to him shouldn’t have made sense. But it did, it made sense in a funny way because a raptor eating toast is like barney eating a child. It doesn’t make sense, because barney only molests children, he doesn’t eat them!

He said he understood how it was funny, but if you understand how something is funny you should really type in “lol” afterwards or else you get blogged about. Consider yourself warned. Also I will probably text you back and explain how you’re a terrible person and should really learn to not be so serious.

Serious uni-brow man, remember him? Well that’s people who don’t type “lol”

Another thing is, I wrote a 3000 (almost) worded poem and I wanted to print it off, a 3000 (almost) worded poem is a long ass poem. It was 15 pages long, not just cause it was 3000 (almost) words, but because of the format I put it in! (poetic format) Think Ellen Hopkins, cept on repeat mostly, like her recent book ‘Tricks’. (Product placement isn’t smiled upon and I hate myself I know I know!)

Anyways, so I went to print it off, and I was really tired and I would have printed it off on a heavy duty printer as school… cept I didn’t want to, I wanted to prove I was efficient enough to print it off my really super old printer that looks like an old man. Sounds like one too.

So I clicked buttons and my printer came alive, but it sounded angry, as if I’d woken it up from some 1000 year old sleep, and it was deranged. It started making several other noises, it almost sounded like the devil was manifesting itself in my printer and telling me its unholy bindings were set free and now it would reap ink upon the world.

But in this case I egged the printer on to print off a whole 15 pages worth of writing. It sounded angry and when I tried to say “YAY!” and support it because it was such a good printer… it just got more pissed and pretty much told me to fuck off.

I’m sorry if I offended you printer. Needless to say my printer did excellent and I got the pages printed. I was excited and I kissed my printer (not really, I just blew it a kiss) and I told it that it was excellent and a good printer and I loved it. And I do love my printer. However when I went to turn it off it growled and went back into hibernation, so I’m starting to think I have a bear-devil-printer and its goal in life is to eat me in my sleep.

 And you know how your REALLY thirsty and you go to your kitchen and your all "OH I REALLY WANT A DRINK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THAT WOULD SUFFICE MY NEEDS OF DRYYYY THROOOAATTTIINEESSSSS AND MY STOMACH AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

However.. sometimes your like; "IM THIRSTY, BUT IM NOT... I NEED SOMETHING TO SUFFICE MY BEING THIRSTY" and you know you just ate or something so you cant have something too heavy, but your also like.. water would be so disgusting right now!

I decided to write about this because i just found myself wandering around my kitchen for 10 minutes trying to decide what liquid to shove down my throat in a terrible attempt to sate that beverage demon inside my throat.

So, i was all like "ahh milk yeah!" but i just ate and milk is really heavy and drinking it is like thick as 10 glasses of water and i'd end up not liking it and my stomach would remain unhappy all like "i just ate why are you torturing me with more half-food liquid that i need to digest with the pizza?? :("

so i decided milk was not okay.

Then i was like "what if i add chocolate to it stomach?"
and it was all like "but its still milk.... i know it'd taste good and the beverage demon would be appeased.. BUT I WILL MAKE YOU THROW UP YOUR INTESTINES BETCH!"

so chocolate milk was out.

notice how im using the elimination process? yeah that DOES come in use.

Moving on... then i was all like "water! water is always okay, especially since i keep a lot of it in the fridge (i need lots of water due to my heart condition since pop isnt really always an option i need water to suffice myself usually as a replacement for sugery drinks...) ANYWAYS, but then i was like "wow water would be so gross right now" because my throat is having a spasm in the back where its like "IF YOU DRINK WATER YOUR GOING TO TASTE DISGUSTINGNESS" and its just unpleasent and unwanted and makes me feel bad.

Water was out of the question because i dont like the unpleasentness.

So then i would have had orange juice... if my dad hadnt drank it all.
I was angry at that.

But then i was like "i could have pop!"
But have you ever had it where it was like "RAGE AGAINST FIZZ"?? thats how i felt, it was a rage against the fizz and i didnt want fizz no matter what. it was like if i fed the beverage demon fizz it'd be okay... but too much fizz would make my stomach hate me for life and possible throwing-up-ness would occur. My stomach is like a fragile kitten, but if it wants to scratch the tits out of me it will!!!

So pop was out.

and then.. IT CAME TO ME! i could still have pop! however! if i didnt want fizz i could just stick icecubes in it! ICECUBES SUCK UP FIZZ AND ADD WATER AND MAKE IT MORE FLAT! but only when the icecubes are half meltedness, then it actually tastes like half-flat pop, and cold too, which makes me happy.

and that is what i was drinking. Half alive pop that was not really appeasing me. The beverage demon however is appeased and my stomach is okay, still quivering because im sure it wants cookies too. But everything is okay otherwise.